Design: Basic comfusion choreography

This set of stones was written with appreciation for my colleague Willem van den Ende. We practiced on each other, and he is the most courageous man I know, being able to share his true thoughts and feelings.

What can you do to resolve conflicts with (a) colleague(s)?
How can you prevent a nightmarish environment?
How to not make enemies for life?

1. Stop the world!

Resolve any conflict immediately. Letting things fester usually does not work. Don't wait for the pain to become so deep that no one involved has the capacity or desire to resolve it. If early exchanges can't clear it up, perhaps you can ask a colleague to facilitate another meeting.
Involving older colleagues in such processes can be very helpful. Older colleagues often informally mentor new, younger professionals, explaining workplace ways and helping new people adjust. Just the way Pat Sciacca did for me in my Lucent times. Thanks you, Pat, you were (and still am) an excellent mentor.

2. Reflect and analyse ...

Explore the interactions for miscommunications and/or disagreements, then use these explorations to develop a conflict resolution strategy (together). Reflecting does not necessarily have to be done alone. It can even be done with an entire team by sculpting and role-playing. The sculpt freezes frames and instances of the interactions, often giving new insights.
Such embodied visualisations often show the situation closer to how it really happened and is happening rather than how our ego prefers to remember it. The parts in a complex conflict become very clear.

3. Practice conflict resolution by imagining a reconciliation.

Try out your own role in the sculpt, and try out some of the roles of the others. Anticipate his or her response in another role, and practice (other) replies. In case you feel you or your team does not have the trust levels to do this, you can ask friends to play roles until you feel comfortable with initiating an actual meeting. If need be you can ask a trained conflict resolution facilitator to help out. Make sure you choose one that is willing to show you the internals of how he or she can do it, and not one that inflicts their solutions on you. Conflict resolution is all about having and giving choices.

4. When meeting, make sure you respond instead of react.

Keep your emotions in check and operate from a rational, unemotional detached place, yet connected to your feelings and emotions. Speak to other people calmly, politely and rationally. Focus on the situation and facts, and avoid gossip, flaming and flaring. Be careful not to express hostility in your posture, facial expression or tone. Be assertive without being aggressive. Do not get hooked by other people's possibly offensive or troubling remarks.

Known as distancing, this technique enables you to communicate calmly, so that you can deal with statements that would make you angry normally.

Listen to the other person carefully: What is she trying to say? Be sure you understand her position.

Express interest in what the other person is saying. You can acknowledge his or her ideas without necessarily agreeing or submitting. Saying, "I understand that you feel this way. Here's how I feel..." acknowledges both positions. Or, if you can, make a sincere apology that you had no idea your actions had that effect on the other party or parties. It increases trust levels.

Communicate clearly what you want for your self, and offer positive suggestions and recommendations. Be willing to be flexible.

5. Assume everybody came with the intention to resolve the conflict

Never assume that the other person doesn't want to.

The conflict is probably taking the same or similar toll on all involved, resembling your own experiences. We often underestimate how much pain and energy conflicts cause. If you have been avoiding the conflict up until now, it means the pain was too much for you. Did the others involved even have that opportunity?

This process is the point where people recognize their (hidden) conflicts and arguments are killing themselves, others, the team, and possibly even the business. And on the other side of this medal lies the great reward. People who work out their differences and resolve conflicts together often truly respect and admire the people they disliked so much (or even hated) before.

6. Understanding the great gain

The personal and organizational benefits of turning an enemy into an ally are tremendous. Energy that previously went into conflicts and war, now goes into more effective collaborations, career enhancements, and production.
And, the best gain of all is the recognition that there's no favorable least regret outcome imaginable from conflict. No payoff. Synergy increases job security and stability, golden assets in times of downsizing, mergers and layoffs.

Often, younger colleagues tend to be more self-involved and haven't learned how to work collaboratively or resolve conflicts (yet). Such warring parties are to immediately be taken aside and the conflict mediated by older and trained professionals.

Don't wait and don't be mistaken. As a universal emotion, people find it liberating to overcome their own negative feelings and broadening their horizons.

7. If all of these tactics fail, find ways to avoid those you clash with.

Staying away from people you don't get along with, and that refuse to want to hear and see how they are part of the problem, can help you minimize conflict and remain detached enough to maintain a decent working relationship. This may be a job change within the organisation, or leaving.

8. If conflict seems to go wherever you go, consider seeking professional counseling.

Previous behavior and experiences are the best predictors of future behaviours and experiences. Conflict in one or more positions suggests that it'll resurface no matter how many job changes you make, and that you *are* a bigger part of the problem than you imagined, and what I wrote above, was totally irrelevant for you, and a total waste of my time (at least with regard to you).

Succeeding as a professional means knowing how to resolve conflicts and to deal with personality preferences. Downsizings, mergers and other organizational changes seem common nowadays, so focusing on networking and relationships for finding allies who will support you in the long-term, may be a least regret game where you can't loose. Your future may be determined by how you resolve conflicts and having strong allies who can support you in tough times.